I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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