She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
