I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
