Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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