this beer tastes like vomit already
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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