Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
