My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
