I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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