Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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