Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
