Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm passing your future prison.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize