I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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