Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
