I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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