Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
