New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
