This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
