I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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