we have pet lesbian snakes
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
