i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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