Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
