I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
