I'm eating all of the evidence.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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