Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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