hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
