apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
