Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
