Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
