omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
