Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
