so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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