I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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