We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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