my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
