So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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