the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
