If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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