dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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