but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
