Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
