smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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