he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
