Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
