I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Who put my cat in the fridge?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize