woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
