I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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