Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
