I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
