If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
