i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
