happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up under a house in Key West
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