This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
