so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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