I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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