Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
