ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
