so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize