dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
