How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
