chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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