im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Randomize
