I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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