mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
