JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize