I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it because I queefed?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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