Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
