I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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