I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
