If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
there is glitter all over my balls
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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