if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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